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Three Years as a Full-Time Maid for My Mother-in-Law
墨書 Inktalez
My name is Liu Ruyan, and I am a Chinese language teacher at Jiangcheng No. 7 Middle School. My mother-in-law, who is not yet 70 years old, suffers from Alzheimer's disease, experiencing moments of confusion and clarity, and she has also been diagnosed with stage II cervical cancer.
When my mother-in-law first fell ill, my husband, his brother, and sister held a meeting to discuss sending the elderly to a nursing home. My mother-in-law only said one sentence: "I'm not going!" The three sisters then decided to take turns caring for her, with each family taking four months.
Eldest paternal uncle is a department head in the city government. He led by example and started taking care of her at home. But in less than half a month, he kept complaining:
"Every day, I have to chop the food into tiny pieces, put a bib on her, and feed her bit by bit. Countless times I have to change her diapers, clean up her poop and pee, bathe her, wash the sheets... And her pain, when it strikes, she cries and sweats so much that her hair and clothes are soaked. High doses of morphine and hydrocodone only provide temporary relief, and she has to take them every two to three hours...
Even professional caregivers wouldn't do it for any amount of money!"
The people in our family are all exhausted from the torment! Your sister-in-law and I can't take it anymore!"
Eldest paternal aunt is a section chief in the district committee. She took turns to place my mother-in-law in her home. In less than ten days, she was complaining that she "can't handle it": she can't take care of herself, it's a bit better when she urinates, but when she defecates, she even grabs it herself, smearing it everywhere, and the clothes and sheets are often a mess..."
My husband Hu Ruoyun works in the street office, holding an unofficial deputy section chief position. He discussed with me: "Should we try taking her into our home? But I'm usually quite busy, so it will be hard on you!"
Grandfather passed away early, and grandmother, a rural woman, raised three children, all of whom she nurtured into university graduates and helped them secure government jobs. After her children got married and established themselves, she followed them to Jiangcheng, where she helped the eldest take care of their children and then assisted the second child. When my child started kindergarten at our home, she fell seriously ill.
Both my parents passed away early, and after I got married, the elderly woman said to me, "Child, when you marry into our family, you become one of us, and I will treat you like my own daughter!" Not only did she help me take care of my child, but she also woke up early to buy groceries, cook, and tidy up the house.
Thinking about the kindness of the elderly woman, not to mention my husband's suggestion of "giving it a try," I agreed.
I used to think that I was simply fulfilling my filial duty for my husband, but little did I know that it would be a bloody and tumultuous experience. Most of the time, the old lady is in a state of confusion, unaware of hunger or cold, and unable to control her bodily functions. I have to monitor how much food and water she consumes, calculate digestion times, and nervously ask her repeatedly: "Do you need to urinate? Do you need to defecate?" But no matter how hard I try, her room is always filled with the smell of feces and urine.
At the beginning, my husband could still "fight alongside me", but soon he started shifting the blame: "Wife, I'm too busy with work, it's hard on you to take care of my mom! I really can't rest assured with her living alone, so you should sleep in her room at night."
I comfort myself: Life starts with poop, pee, and farts, and in the end, it will return to poop, pee, and farts.
But do you know how difficult my days are?
Mother-in-law doesn't sleep at night and will get up in the middle of the night, rummaging through things everywhere. She pulls out clothes from the closet, spreading them all over the bed. She also empties the storage cabinet, throwing laundry detergent, shampoo, and toilet paper onto the floor.
But that's not the main issue.
I'm more worried that one day, my mother-in-law might absentmindedly drink the laundry detergent. It's hard to predict what a person with dementia might do.
I grit my teeth and persevere.
Twenty days later, my husband came home and conveyed the instructions and conditions from his elder brother, who is a department head, and his elder sister, who is a section chief: "You should resign and stay at home to take care of my mother! Brother and sister will give us 3000 yuan each month, and my mother's pension will also be at our disposal."
I can take care of the elderly, but I don't like others making decisions for me.
But the school leadership told me, "Teacher Liu, according to the notice from the higher authorities, the school has arranged for you to take a leave of absence without pay."
During the chaotic three years, my greatest sense of achievement was one day when I managed to time my mother-in-law's toilet visits perfectly, so that she didn't wet her pants or soil the bed all day.
And such "achievements" are not easy to obtain. I never thought I would go from being a senior teacher to being a "full-time caregiver." I strive to find a balance between life, self-work, and care, seeking a balance between "being myself" and "being a caregiver."
However, since I took a leave of absence, my husband, his brother, and sister no longer care about how difficult it is for me to take care of my mother-in-law. They only come once a month to inspect my work and criticize me from a position of superiority:
"You said you don't need to do anything, just take care of an old person, how did you let her soil her pants again? Why does my mom's room smell so bad? How do you usually take care of her?"
"You have to write a weekly summary of your nursing work, show it to my older brother first, and then show it to me. You must be good at identifying problems, summarizing them, and correcting them..."
They have never understood how difficult it is for me.
When my mother-in-law was seriously ill, she was completely in a state of dementia. Even though we hired a caregiver, she didn't take care of her bowel movements. She would defecate in the bedpan and then cover it with something. Sometimes she would pour it out of the window onto the street below, and then I would have to apologize to the neighbors. I weigh 98 pounds, while my mother-in-law weighs 120 pounds. She would roll around in her excrement, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't turn her over or lift her up.
With the constant upheaval day and night, I, at 28 years old, have been worn down to look like I'm 40. Everyone who sees me asks, "Are you not feeling well?"
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