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墨書 Inktalez
I hate myself so much. Why did I do those things? Why did I become that kind of person?
I clearly promised Ye Yu that I would always treat her well and never change.
But the first one to break that vow was me.
I took revenge on Ye Yu in what I thought was the most cruel way, tormenting her.
I vented all my resentment on Ye Yu, trying to find inner balance through this means.
However, after Ye Yu died, I realized the truth of it all.
She made me live forever in her shadow, never able to escape her grasp.
She was truly ruthless.
I can no longer bear this pain; I am really about to collapse.
I stay in my room every day, going nowhere and seeing no one.
My consciousness begins to blur, and my mind is starting to unravel.
I seem to see Ye Yu standing right in front of me, looking at me with her clear eyes, gently saying to me—
Gu Ling, why did you do this to me?
Gu Ling, why did you hurt me?
Gu Ling, I hate you, I hate you!
——
20.
No, no, Ye Yu, don't leave me!
I rushed forward, wanting to grab Ye Yu's hand, but all I grasped was air.
Ye Yu was gone; she had truly disappeared.
I was really falling apart.
I began to lose track of reality and fantasy, unable to control my emotions.
Every day, I was immersed in my own world, unable to escape.
I was going crazy.
——
Every day, I went to Ye Yu's grave. I stood there for the entire day.
It felt as if I could see Ye Yu's gentle face, see her smile directed at me.
Ye Yu, Ye Yu...
I murmured her name, tears flowing down my cheeks without me realizing it.
My soul seemed to have been taken away by Ye Yu, leaving behind only an empty shell, living like a walking corpse in this world.
I don't know how long I stood in front of Ye Yu's grave; all I know is that I come here every day, standing there until it gets dark before I go home.
My unusual behavior caught the attention of my neighbors.
They forcibly sent me to a mental hospital.
There, I met the doctor.
The doctor looked at me with concern and asked about my condition.
But I was unwilling to answer any questions.
I refused to take medication or cooperate with treatment.
I only wanted to live in my own world, in my memories.
I knew that my life had lost all meaning.
I lived only to atone, to make amends to Ye Yu.
During my days in the mental hospital, I held onto the last letter Ye Yu left me, reading it over and over again, trying to understand what Ye Yu meant.
Every day in the ward, I talked to myself as if I were having a conversation with Ye Yu.
In reality, I was just speaking to the air.
"You didn't like me smoking, so I quit."
"You're afraid I'll be cold, so I wear a few more layers and dress myself up to look chubby, and then you won't be cold anymore."
"Can I sing a song for you? Is that okay?"
"Have you already gotten mad at me, which is why you haven't come to see me for so long?"
"Have you forgotten about me?"
"Ye Yu, please come back, okay?"
"Ye Yu, I miss you."
...
My condition is getting worse, and I'm starting to doubt my own memory.
I clearly remember that Ye Yu didn't die. How could she possibly be dead?
She must still be alive; she must be waiting for me somewhere.
Clearly living well and happily in some place.
She would open the window on a sunny morning, see the yard full of flowers, and smile at me saying—
Gu Ling, look, the sunshine is really nice today.
Then she would skip over to me, take my hand, and we would go out for a walk together, basking in the sun.
I would buy Ye Yu lots and lots of snacks, feeding her until she's chubby, and then I would take her to the amusement park to enjoy all the rides with her.
We will go hiking together, see the sea, watch the sunrise and sunset, and explore all the beautiful scenery.
We will always be together, until forever.
But such fantasies can only be realized in dreams.
After waking up, I am still me, still alone, still sitting in this cold hospital room.
I have no Ye Yu, nothing at all.
In the psychiatric hospital, I accidentally saw a broken Fortune Doll.
I picked it up and pressed it tightly against my chest.
Yes, heh heh... the Fortune Doll was given to me by Ye Yu.
It must be a token of our love. When we just confirmed our relationship, Ye Yu ran several streets to buy this Fortune Doll as a surprise for me.
She said this Fortune Doll would bring me good luck, relieve my worries, and make me happy every day.
But, but Ye Yu is gone; she took my good luck with her.
Every day in the psychiatric hospital, I talk to the letter Ye Yu left me and that broken Fortune Doll.
I believe Ye Yu is right beside me; she has never left me.
Every night she accompanies me to sleep, and she quietly gets up in the middle of the night to cover me with a blanket.
When I can't fall asleep, she gently pats my back to lull me to sleep.
She would wake me up when I had nightmares, then hold me tightly, comforting me and telling me not to be afraid, that with her around, no one could hurt me.
But I know that this is all an illusion; Ye Yu is not really here.
My condition is getting worse, and my inner world has completely detached from reality.
I have completely broken down.
Day after day, I talk to Ye Yu, to the broken Fortune Doll, saying the same things—
"Ye Yu, please come back, okay?"
"Ye Yu, I miss you."
"Ye Yu, please come back, okay?"
"Ye Yu, I miss you."
...
I forgot that those without a heart do not understand longing.
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