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Until the next day, I was also in a daze, as if everything Lixiang had told me was like a dream.
I had no appetite and only had some milk and bread.
I have been thinking about how Zhou Heng and I have come to know each other. I can't figure out why things have developed like this.
He clearly said a few days ago that he didn't want me to suffer and that he would take care of me. I kept torturing myself, thinking of countless scenarios. I didn't dare to call, nor did I have the courage to call. It wasn't until the evening, watching the sunlight gradually dim outside the window, that I realized I had been overthinking for a whole day.
Why do I have to torment myself? Why don't I ask clearly and make a decision?
Since this is the outcome, can I escape?
I have always been a persistent person. Once I set my mind on something, no one can stop me.
I want an answer, an answer that can make me feel at ease.
Without caring about anything else, I simply tidied up and drove to Lingya Mountain.
I took the last cable car up the mountain, and even though Qingyun Temple was so close, I felt like my heart was so far away.
Should I step inside? Or should I turn and flee? I stood outside the Taoist temple in a daze, not knowing how much time had passed, only feeling a bit numb in my legs. What can I say when I see him again?
I am not someone who pesters persistently, nor am I someone without self-awareness.
" Daoist Ling." The voice of Master Xiao Chen instantly woke me up. He came out of the main gate with a smile, quickly descending the steps.
He asked me with a smile, "Why didn't you tell Senior Brother Zhou that you were coming? He's busy inside. Today, the master is lecturing on Chan Buddhism, and many fellow Daoists have come."
My expression may look unpleasant, and Master Xiao Chen's face turned serious from a smile. He observed me for a while before tentatively asking, "Do you have something on your mind?"
I forced a smile, nodded, and said, "When will it be over?"
"Probably another couple of hours."
"Please tell Zhou Heng that I am waiting for him outside," said Master Xiao Chen with a surprised expression. "You're not going in?"
"No, I'll just wait here."
Master Xiao Chen looked at me with a surprised expression, not knowing what to say, only managing to say, "Okay."
He went inside, and I saw his figure disappear from my sight, causing my heart to twitch involuntarily.
I'm afraid to see Zhou Heng, but I also want to see him. I'm afraid to know the outcome, yet I want to know the outcome. Such contradiction, such anxiety.
The evening mountain breeze is quite strong, blowing onto my face, feeling cold.
I hear the crisp sound of bells under the eaves, jingling. Looking up, the towering eaves seem to be a boundary separating heaven and earth.
The scent of incense wafts through the courtyard, mixed with the mist of the night, ethereal and elusive.
With a sneeze, I instinctively wrapped my coat tightly around me. The mountain wind blew my face cold, and my heart felt as cold as water poured over on a chilly night. Unable to bear it, a few more sneezes came, and my head felt heavy and dizzy.
"Xiao Meng."
The shouting behind me was so familiar, and when I turned around, I saw Zhou Heng standing at the entrance of the main hall. We were like people from two different worlds - he was inside the Taoist temple, while I was outside. He was in the secular world, and I was in the midst of it. Although we could see each other with just a glance, we were separated by a door. He walked towards me, dressed in a Daoist robe, graceful like an immortal. He belonged here, to this land.
I didn't feel tears in my eyes, as if with every step he took, he was moving further away from me.
And when he finally stood in front of me, my vision had already become blurry.
I turned my face away and quickly wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes.
"It's so cold, why don't you go inside?" His tone was always gentle, as if he treated every life the same way.
I tried to control my emotions, raised my head, and forced out a smile uglier than crying: "I don't want to disturb your class."
"Actually, you going to the backyard wouldn't be a problem."
The faint scent of sandalwood on him, mixed with a hint of incense, all tell me that his heart belongs to the temple. Then what about me? Besides him, what am I?
Am I just a tribulation on his path of cultivation, something he must endure to gain higher enlightenment?
My suppressed emotions are on the verge of collapse. I lower my gaze and ask softly, "Have you been busy these days?"
He was somewhat surprised that I would ask such a question, and then patiently said, "Well, recently the temple has received many distant fellow practitioners, so it's been very busy."
Yes, there's also the matter of studying in Beijing, he must be very busy. And asking these meaningless questions is obviously futile.
I found it very difficult to speak up and ask the question I wanted. I hesitated, and I was really scared.
Zhou Heng noticed my strangeness and fell silent for a while. "What's wrong with you? What happened?" My throat choked up, and I couldn't speak. I just looked at him, trying hard to hold back my tears. "What's wrong? Seeing you like this, I don't know what to do."
I gritted my teeth, tormented to the brink of collapse, and lowered my voice to finally say, "Zhou Heng, go to Beijing. I don't want to hold you back. You don't need to blame yourself. It was my initiative that made things difficult for you. Even without you, I won't end up lonely. I never believed in these things, so I've never taken fortune-telling seriously."
I pretended to be calm, but my palms were already ice-cold.
"You don't need to pity me. From the beginning, you shouldn't have had this kind of mindset. If you don't like it, forcing yourself like this is making things difficult for oneself."
Zhou Heng When he heard me say these words, his expression was momentarily indescribable. He looked at me with a complex gaze, speechless for a while.
But he is ultimately that carefree Master Zhou, the indifference in his demeanor froze my heart into a block of ice.
"You are a Taoist, I should not have expected your affection in the first place. Zhou Heng, you are compassionate to all beings, and that's why you are compassionate to me. But what I want is not the love found among the masses..."
I can't go on. I'm afraid that tears will well up in my eyes the next second, and I won't be able to help but throw myself into his arms. Since I came to make a clean break, I should be straightforward about it.
My throat felt sore as I choked out the words I feared the most: "Let's break up, Zhou Heng."
I hurriedly turned around and quickly descended the steps. I couldn't bear to look at him any longer, because I felt so reluctant in my heart. I also didn't dare to stay a second longer, as I might lose control and start crying the next second.
Even a pained look from him would shake me.
Tears fell like broken strings, blurring my vision. I walked fast, suppressed emotions filling my chest, and I could only silently cry.
Better to disturb the waters than to stir someone's heart.
Do not disturb the waters of the Three Rivers, do not agitate the hearts of the Taoist... I kept repeating these words in my mouth, all of this is my own fault. Yes, he didn't catch up, probably because things have reached this point, there is no need to stay. He doesn't need to make things difficult, and I don't need to worry about ruining his future.
Speaking of which, everyone doesn't have any taboos, can Zhou Heng be relieved?
How did I drive the car back to Rongcheng? I don't even remember it myself.
After returning from Qingyun Temple, I fell seriously ill and cried all the tears of the past twenty-four years. In the end, I found that all that was left was endless bitterness.
I didn't contact him either, and he didn't contact me again. It's as if in this world, there has never been a love story between Ling Xiaomeng and Zhou Heng. Mrs. Jiang and her family haven't come to find me again, as if everything related to Zhou Heng has been cut off. Time is so quiet that it makes me feel as if this must be a dream. After waking up from the dream, not a trace is left behind.
I stand at the window, looking at the remaining herbs, which still lie quietly on the windowsill. But its owner has long disappeared from my world.
I wanted to resign and go home to rest, but Du Yuwei told me to wait until after the New Year, as if giving me a winter vacation.
Everyone knows that I and Zhou Heng's matter is untouchable, so I won't mention it again.
The author has something to say: The countdown to the end is on.
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