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墨書 Inktalez
I am really unfortunate. I was abandoned at the age of three and ended up with a useless master who introduced me to a chaotic job. I was scared out of my wits by a group of Tracking Ghosts. The most tragic part is that during my first attempt to flirt with a girl, I got slapped away by her. I am truly unlucky.
When I came to my senses, Uncle Xing was having dinner, enjoying some braised pork ribs and stir-fried shepherd's purse. The food looked quite good. To me, Uncle Xing wasn't much of a Daoist—he was eating so deliciously yet didn't prepare a portion for me!
"Cough, Uncle Xing, what exactly happened?" I rubbed my head (I wasn't sure if it was even my head anymore; it was wrapped in gauze like an Arab's. If someone handed me a black plastic bag to hold, I would definitely be taken to the police station within half a minute). "How long have I been out?"
"Almost three hours," Uncle Xing put down his lunch box. "I thought you wouldn't wake up until tomorrow at least. I told you not to mess with Xiao Jin, but you just wouldn't listen. Consider this a lesson for you. Remember, don't underestimate anyone in this school, not even the gatekeeper," Uncle Xing said seriously.
"Yes, yes, yes. How was I supposed to know that girl was so violent? I only said one thing and she slapped me! Ouch, my neck!" My neck felt like it was about to snap. With such a thin neck bearing such a heavy impact, it was no wonder it hurt. Luckily, I had practiced the things my master taught me since childhood, which made my body quite resilient.
"That girl was just meeting you for the first time; she held back," Uncle Xing said while chewing on the ribs. "Don't be fooled by her thin frame; strength-wise, I can't compete with her now." After finishing the ribs, Uncle Xing started on his rice.
"Gulp." I swallowed hard; I was so hungry! I hadn't eaten breakfast because that useless master kicked me out, and I didn't eat lunch while walking on the street. If it weren't for the oil cake given to me by an old lady, I would have fainted from hunger before Xiao Jin hit me—I'd have passed out long ago! Now I had to watch this strong man in front of me chew on ribs and rice. If it weren't for the fact that I definitely couldn't beat him, I'd have already snatched some food from him. Uncle Xing, if you're not going to eat that shepherd's purse, why not give it to your little nephew? Of course, I didn't dare say that for fear of getting beaten.
"Uncle Xing, if there's nothing else, I'll take my leave." I really couldn't take it anymore. I'd heard that university cafeterias were free (not true; it's just that Yin Zheng'an thought so; even though I've never been to university, I know that's impossible). Although I couldn't eat meat, there were no restrictions on vegetables! I could eat ten pounds of green beans! Raw even!
"Who says there's nothing? Since you're here, tomorrow and the day after are Saturdays; you don't have to work. Let me tell you about our job now." Uncle Xing stirred the untouched shepherd's purse with his chopsticks and swallowed it in one go. After chewing a couple more times and letting out a satisfied burp, he took a sip of tea and lit up a cigarette, propping his legs up comfortably. "Ah, that's nice."
I couldn't believe it; could you consider my feelings? Nice for you? I've gone an entire day without food! The way I'd most fear dying is from starvation; it seems today I'm in deep trouble.
Uncle Xing took out a piece of paper from his drawer and handed it to me. It was a form filled with all sorts of strange names: Shang Jiu Tong Rong Da Xian, Gu Yuan Dao Ben Fa Zun, Westward Fairy—so many...
"Uncle Xing, what is this? A new survey of constellations? No way; they all have Chinese-style names. Are constellations now trending towards Chinese styles?"
"You are holding the immortal who has descended this year."
"Oh, an immortal, no wonder that makes sense... What? An immortal?" I was taken aback. Was I concussed? Why couldn't my ears function properly? What was I even doing?
"You heard me right, it's an immortal. Our department specializes in managing the immortals who come down to the mortal realm."
I felt dizzy, like when I first rode a roller coaster at the amusement park in the county. Today, the surprises from heaven were just too much for me to process.
"Uncle Xing, who exactly are you?" I recalled that Uncle Xing's shadow had no head. Wait, an immortal? The Heavenly Court? His surname is Xing? Could it be? Could Uncle Xing be Xing Yusen? No, no, that's from a different story and has nothing to do with immortals. I must still be a bit concussed.
"I am Xingtian, from the Ancient Heavenly Court." Uncle Xing suddenly stood up, his eyes wide open. He pulled his hands to his chest, and instantly, he transformed his body into a figure with breasts for eyes and a navel for a mouth, grasping with both hands until two weapons appeared in his grasp. "Do you believe me now?"
Could I not believe it? The legendary Xingtian was known for his fierce temper; he was the kind of person who would dare to storm the Heavenly Court to confront the Yellow Emperor. If I said I didn't believe it, I might become the second Xingtian myself, and then I'd never have to buy toothpaste or shampoo again.
"Alright, alright, Uncle Xing, I believe you. Just stop staring at me like that; I'm not used to being stared at by someone’s chest." It's not that I wanted to criticize Uncle Xing, but being glared at by a creature from thousands of years ago was something no one could get used to immediately. Speaking of which, Uncle Xing seemed to have a good relationship with Pervert; could Pervert also be some ancient deity? But no, given his appearance, there wasn't any immortal that matched him. It seemed only Ji Gong had a slight resemblance, but wasn't Ji Gong a Buddha? They weren't even from the same category.
Uncle Xing retracted his divine form. (All immortals must change their appearance after descending to the mortal realm but can briefly reveal their original form, which mortals cannot see.) However, it was evident that this transformation came at a significant cost; at least Uncle Xing's clothes were now unwearable.
"Ahem, I know that even like this I lack persuasive power. How about this: let me explain how things came to be." Uncle Xing said while adjusting his clothes that had been torn by his muscular chest.
Crazy! Who wants to listen? Right now, more important than understanding this matter is that I want to continue living! If I don't eat something soon, I'll really have to report to Yama.
"Uh-huh, Uncle Xing, let's talk about this later; I have urgent matters to attend to. I'm leaving now." I turned and ran, but unfortunately, just as I reached the door, I heard Uncle Xing casting a spell and found myself frozen in place.
"Want to run? You're still too inexperienced." Uncle Xing said proudly. "You might as well listen carefully."
"The beginning of this matter goes back quite a while. The main character you should know is Chenxiang—yes, yes, the Chenxiang who split mountains to save his mother..."
Uncle Xing talked for most of the day. Although I was hungry, I managed to get the gist of it.
Back in the day, Three Holy Mothers went down to the mortal realm for a picnic and encountered Chenxiang's father, who specialized in making sticky lanterns. It’s unclear what got into Three Holy Mothers, but she inexplicably fell for this poor scholar who was neither a good writer nor a fighter—indeed, he was just a poor student. Perhaps after seeing various deities since childhood, Three Holy Mothers developed a distaste for elite figures. In any case, she cried and insisted on marrying that poor scholar.
Unfortunately, this happy situation didn’t last long as Three Holy Mothers's brother, Erlang Shen Yang Jian, discovered it. Yang Jian was also quite protective of his sister; upon seeing her marry a poor scholar, he advised her to cut ties with him immediately. However, Three Holy Mothers was in her rebellious phase and not only ignored her brother's advice but also had a son with that scholar named Chenxiang.
Initially, Yang Jian planned to keep this secret from his sister, but alas, it was soon discovered by the Queen Mother. Upon realizing that another fairy had descended to the mortal realm and was actually the Jade Emperor's niece, she thought about using Three Holy Mothers as an example but then reconsidered, deciding that family matters should not be aired publicly. She ordered Yang Jian to confine Three Holy Mothers at the foot of Mount Hua.
While Three Holy Mothers was imprisoned at Mount Hua, her son Liu Chenxiang was raised by his scholar father. As a child from a single-parent family, he often wondered why he didn’t have a mother. Later on, he heard rumors that his mother was trapped under Mount Hua. Unfortunately, being directionally challenged, it took him many years to find Mount Hua; he eventually needed Yang Jian's help to locate her.
When Chenxiang asked how he could rescue her, Three Holy Mothers replied that it was impossible and that she only hoped he would study hard and improve himself.
However, Chenxiang struggled academically and consistently ranked last in his class. He felt he couldn’t fulfill his mother’s wishes and thought it would be more practical to rescue her instead. So he went back to ask Yang Jian, "How can I save my mom?" Yang Jian suggested that he should split Mount Hua.
When the Queen Mother saw that Chenxiang was really going to find an axe to chop Mount Hua, she laughed and used heavenly laws to encase the mountain.
The heavenly laws restricted all deities' freedom and their right to love autonomously, which had long been loathed by many gods and goddesses who secretly assisted Chenxiang. Unfortunately, Mount Hua was sealed by these laws and could not be opened by ordinary divine tools. Eventually, Chenxiang found the axe used by Pangu when he created the world. If that axe could split open the heavens, breaking through the heavenly laws would be even easier. With the heavenly axe in hand, Chenxiang struck Mount Hua.
Mount Hua was indeed split open; however, the axe wasn’t very precise and ended up splitting Three Holy Mothers in half as well. (You will never see my version of "The Lotus Lantern," as even "The Lotus Lantern" has not made an appearance.) Confused, Chenxiang went to find Yang Jian, asking what they should do now. With a sidelong glance from his three eyes, Yang Jian replied that it wasn’t his fault since he didn’t do the chopping. He then threatened Chenxiang, saying if he didn’t piece his sister back together, he would chop him too.
In the end, Chenxiang approached the Queen Mother, stating that since she placed the heavenly laws on Mount Hua, it was her responsibility. The Queen Mother replied that they hadn’t intended for such an incident to occur; what mattered most in life is happiness. She then asked if he was hungry and offered to get him something to eat. But Chenxiang insisted that she needed to take responsibility for piecing his mother back together.
With no other choice, the Queen Mother called upon Guanyin. The Bodhisattva suggested they first piece together the heavenly laws since they were split along with Three Holy Mothers. Once the laws were restored, so too would be Three Holy Mothers. However, many lesser deities disagreed, claiming that the current heavenly laws were terrible; even going to the restroom required approval from numerous higher-ups. Eventually, when everyone felt helpless about this situation, Yang Jian stepped forward and proposed changing the heavenly laws instead. All deities agreed.
Thus, the heavenly laws were amended; all deities were pleased except one person—who? The Jade Emperor. Now that the laws allowed deities to descend and pursue love freely, Dong Yong could finally obtain a marriage certificate with the Seven Fairies openly. But what about his seven daughters? If he brought one home today for cattle herding and another tomorrow as a mason—what then? Not to mention if there were any divorces down the line; how would they divide their assets? Over time, how would life continue?
The Jade Emperor, with three black lines on his forehead, consulted with the Supreme Old Lord. The latter suggested setting up some sort of community committee on earth to manage things—preferably involving some well-known figures who were still living off others’ efforts while also solving employment issues for some people.
The Jade Emperor slapped his thigh and said this method was good; it could also conveniently hand over the management of the monsters and demons on the ground to them. Thus, a new organization appeared in the human realm—the Heavenly Bureau of Human Affairs, which also served as a neighborhood committee. The Jade Emperor dispatched many well-known deities to oversee it, including the famous battle god, Xingtian, as the director. (As for why this police station was established here, it will be explained later.)
Uncle Xing was busy sharpening his weapon when he was suddenly sent to the human realm by the Jade Emperor, which made him quite unhappy. He directly ran to the Jade Emperor's bedroom to demand an explanation. The Jade Emperor said, "You were just idling in Heaven; now you are being sent down as a director, a proper department-level official. What are you still dissatisfied about? Also, if you go down, you need to return your head." Uncle Xing retorted, "Nonsense! How long has my head been hanging there? It's so dried up that even as a preserved pig head it's too much. What will you use to return it to me?" The Jade Emperor casually plucked a dragon head from the Dragon Bed and attached it to Uncle Xing, saying, "Don't be too excessive; this bed was a congratulatory gift from Buddha when I became the Jade Emperor. I haven't treated you unfairly. As for your own head, I'll have someone take it down from the battle flag right away." Hearing that he wouldn't be at a loss, Uncle Xing agreed.
At that time, there was a rule in Heaven stating that once deities descended to the mortal realm, they could not retain their full powers—at most, they would keep one-tenth of their abilities to prevent them from failing on Earth. However, for those who were not ranked in the Celestial hierarchy to begin with, this rule was practically meaningless. Many deities who had descended were bullied by rogue practitioners on the ground. Over time, these deities could no longer endure it and jointly complained to the Jade Emperor.
The Jade Emperor was picking his teeth while saying that if they came down, they should be prepared to be bullied; after all, those were mere mortals who didn't understand things—why should you adults hold grudges against them?
Among the deities who had descended was one named Zhao Gongming, a Wealth God. He told the Jade Emperor that there would be no budget for him in the mortal realm anymore because it had already been taken by those children you mentioned.
The Jade Emperor exclaimed in disbelief, "How can this be? Get it back immediately!"
Zhao Gongming shrugged and replied, "I don't have that kind of power."
In the end, the Heavenly Bureau of Human Affairs added another position specifically responsible for helping deities who had descended deal with these troubles. This person needed to be found among mortals and must not be ranked in the Celestial hierarchy; most importantly, this person had to be able to take a beating.
The Jade Emperor pondered what kind of position such a person should have. Taibai Jinxing suggested that in the mortal realm, this kind of job is called a temporary worker. The Jade Emperor agreed and said they should hire more temporary workers.
And so it was that there was an addition of the Heavenly Bureau of Human Affairs in the mortal realm, and I became one of its newly hired temporary workers.
Damn! Is this a joke? After studying Taoist Arts for over ten years, I end up being assigned as a temporary worker!
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