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墨書 Inktalez
The sky was dark and the wind had picked up. Leaves were swirling chaotically on the road, lifted by the gusts, while pedestrians' clothes billowed and their hair was tousled by the breeze.
There was no sign of Lu Chenyu on the street, as if every trace of him had been swept away by the wind, making it feel like a dream. When had he ever taken her to see a movie? When had she ever linked her arm with his? Why was there not even a hint of his presence? Lin Xi felt suddenly weak, like a deflated balloon.
"He disappeared so quickly; it’s clear he left as if he were escaping. What could have made him leave me like that?" Lying on the lawn, Lin Xi rested her hands behind her head and gazed at the drifting white clouds. To this day, she still couldn't figure out the reason.
"What happened later? Did you not see each other again during the entire winter break?" Qinglan asked, mirroring Lin Xi's position.
Qinglan's tolerance for alcohol was stronger than Lin Xi's. She had already sobered up, and the flush on her face from the alcohol had faded, though a slight blush remained from the sunlight.
Lin Xi did not respond to Qinglan but continued to recount what happened after that day with a dazed expression.
"Afterward, I walked back alone. That day, I suddenly ran down the corridor of the cinema trying to catch up with him. I didn't want anything specific; I just wanted him to stay with me for a moment. I just wanted to ask him what was going on. I felt that he must have something urgent and unavoidable that forced him to leave." Lin Xi said, "If he had something going on, I could share it with him, face it together, deal with it together. But why did he have to leave like this?"
"And then what? Do you know now if he was hiding something from you?" Qinglan asked.
"I don't know," Lin Xi replied. "After thinking that way, I suddenly felt a pang in my nose and squatted down by the wall on the side of the road and started crying."
The surroundings fell silent, leaving only Lin Xi's soft, dreamy murmurs as she spoke.
Later, I went home alone. In the afternoon, I lay in bed and took a nap.
"I wasn't sad; there were no negative emotions. Sleeping felt like my only way to find solace at that time," Lin Xi continued.
"Mm." Qinglan nodded in agreement. She understood that spreading emotion.
"I'm not sad. In fact, I wasn't sad at all during that time, even when I was crouched in the corner crying; it wasn't because of sadness. He didn't bring me a feeling of sorrow, but rather a sense of unease. When he left, he was so gentle, reminding me to take care of myself, fixing my hair, scarf, and collar. It was very tender and meticulous. His eyes were almost overflowing with tears, making one feel submerged in them. So, I felt a deeper kind of emotion, which is why I wasn't sad."
"But I was extremely low." Lin Xi turned to face Qinglan, seemingly seeking her affirmation once again.
"I understand." As expected, Qinglan responded.
Later, perhaps tired or truly unable to handle the alcohol, she dozed off in a daze.
Qinglan sat beside her, hugging her knees and gazing at the surroundings, suddenly feeling that life was indeed very dramatic.
Familiar people can disappear overnight without a trace, while two strangers can gradually become familiar and turn into close friends who share everything, eventually even becoming family. Family can separate, become estranged, betray each other, or even turn into enemies. Such reversals often occur in the world; for instance, the sunlight shining on the ground now seemed so unfamiliar to Qinglan, strange as if it were not the same sun as before.
In the past spring, the sunlight was a warm orange-yellow that felt peaceful and serene. But the sunlight before her now was glaringly bright and white, carrying an impulsive heat, restlessness, and unease.
Similarly, the grass on the ground used to be lush green and tenderly peaceful and lovely. But now, when Qinglan touched it with her palm, it felt coarse and prickly; its color was a dark green that seemed to carry untold hardships.
Everything in the world is like this; how much more so for people?
Qinglan sat there for a long time. When Lin Xi finally woke up, a light drizzle suddenly began to fall from the sky.
The fine rain fell on her face and wet it enough to wake her up.
When she woke up, her first question was, "Where is this?"
Qinglan smiled and said, "Don't you know where you fell asleep?"
Lin Xi also smiled, but there was a hint of helplessness in her expression, as if she didn't just not know where she "was sleeping," but also where her "life was."
Just as she thought this about herself, Qinglan continued, "However, most of the time, when we wake from a dream, we seem to not know where we are. Even when we are awake, sometimes we don't know where we are. It often feels like life is a lonely journey; as we walk along, suddenly looking up, we find that the scenery around us has changed, the people who once walked with us have long parted ways, and those around us have become strangers in unfamiliar surroundings. Just when we have become familiar with the people and scenery nearby, after walking a bit further, we discover that the familiar faces and places have vanished again."
"Do you ever feel this way?" At this point, Qinglan had already stood up from the grass, brushing off the bits of grass on her clothes.
Lin Xi remained sitting on the lawn with her knees hugged to her chest, seemingly still not fully awake from her dreams. She answered slowly, "I never felt this way before. I used to think my life was like this gentle breeze and light rain, always calm and carefree. I never thought that someone I liked would not like me back; I never thought that I would be unable to obtain what I desired because I am not greedy. What I asked for was simple: someone I love and who loves me back, living a plain yet loving life together like my Dad and Mama did—nothing grand but sweet and warm was enough. I also never thought that someone leaving me would make me feel as if the world was collapsing. But now, many things—even the smallest things—when I feel they are slowly being pulled away from me or disappearing from my sight bit by bit, I become extremely anxious, as if facing a great enemy; it feels like the world is falling apart."
Lin Xi reached out her hand, signaling Qinglan to help her up from the grass.
Qinglan extended her hand and pulled Lin Xi up. "That's because you now have love in your heart—people you care about and can't let go of. That's why you have become so anxious about gain and loss." She stood facing the wind with Lin Xi, letting the light rain sprinkle on their faces. "But for me, I'm exactly the opposite of you right now. In the past, my entire childhood, adolescence, and youth were spent in anxiety over gain and loss. I feared losing things; I feared he would leave my sight. Even if he didn't glance at me at all, just seeing him made me feel at ease."
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