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墨書 Inktalez
As the time to return home approached, I still felt nervous. Just the thought of facing so many strangers and having to guard against them noticing any issues about me made me anxious. Just thinking about it kept me awake at night. Following Miao Miao's advice, I decided to bring the medicine Gu Xiang prescribed and took it on schedule, worried that I might fall ill before even reaching the front lines and be unable to fight effectively.
I stuffed the medicine bottle into the very back of my luggage, afraid that Wang Xu would find it, and carefully placed it in a black plastic bag. Everything was ready, but on the night before departure, I still couldn't sleep. I lay awake until dawn, and when Wang Xu knocked on my door to call me, I felt no fatigue. After getting up to open the door, he frowned and said, "Why did you lock the door? You're awake so early? Why do you have such dark circles under your eyes? Did you not sleep well or what?"
I barely registered his complaints as my mind was a bit foggy. I just mumbled some vague responses. Perhaps Wang Xu noticed that I didn't want to continue the conversation, so he held back and said, "Alright, are you hungry? What do you want to eat? Let's eat something before we leave; it's going to be a bumpy ride for seven or eight hours."
I waved my hand dismissively. "Anything is fine."
"Okay then, you wash up first. I'll ask Mom to prepare breakfast. You should come out soon; the bus leaves at nine, so don't be late."
I retreated back into my room and tidied myself up. Looking in the mirror, Wang Xu wasn't exaggerating; my dark circles were very noticeable. Afraid of being questioned by relatives when I got back, I hurriedly applied some powder to cover them up. Once I was presentable, I opened the door and walked to the dining room where Wang Xu and my mother-in-law were already waiting for me.
I wasn't very hungry yet, so I only ate a little. Despite Wang Xu urging me to eat more, I couldn't manage it. At this point, I was much more nervous than I had anticipated; I even had to control myself from shaking. My nerves were so tense that deep breathing wasn't helping.
I needed to disguise my feelings so that Wang Xu wouldn't notice anything unusual about me. But during this special time, any of my actions would be magnified in the eyes of my mother-in-law and Wang Xu; how could they not notice something was off?
"What's wrong, Zhuang Jun? Are you shaking?" Wang Xu suddenly asked.
"Nothing, I'm just a bit cold; maybe I've caught a chill," I replied vaguely without daring to look at him.
Wang Xu put down his chopsticks. "Why didn't you say anything earlier? Look at what you're wearing; it's too little for this weather. I'll go get you a thicker coat. At this time, you shouldn't care about appearances. Where's your scarf? Is it in its usual place?"
I nodded as Wang Xu went to the room. My mother-in-law started complaining again from across the table: "You need to take care of yourself now; look at how little you're wearing! You're still shaking; is this appropriate? What will relatives say if they see you like this?"
She kept nagging until Wang Xu came back and interrupted her: "Mom, let's not talk too much; we need to eat quickly or we won't make it in time for the bus. Zhuang Jun knows what she's doing; stop worrying."
I took off my outer jacket and put on the sweater that Wang Xu handed me while repeatedly reminding myself not to be nervous—if I slipped up now, it would be a huge loss.
After wrapping myself in warm clothes, my emotions gradually calmed down. They probably really thought I was shaking because of being underdressed. As we were leaving, Wang Xu even helped me put on my scarf.
The road wasn't too congested, and I arrived at the station fifteen minutes early. Wang Xu bought a bunch of snacks at the station's convenience store, mentioning that he noticed I loved sunflower seeds a few days ago, so he got me two bags and brought them on board.
His attention to these small details made me feel touched, but it also made me nervous, fearing that I might inadvertently reveal something that would give me away. I couldn't imagine how terrifying it would be for Wang Xu to discover the truth midway through the journey; a slap would be the least of my worries.
I wasn't afraid of that slap, but imagining such a situation sent chills down my spine. Sitting next to me, Wang Xu asked, "Are you still cold?"
I immediately shook my head. "No, what did you buy? Let me see."
This shifted the topic back to food. Wang Xu took out one package after another for me to look at. I casually grabbed a can of Eight Treasure Porridge to eat, just a little bit, until the vehicle started moving.
"The journey is still long; you should try to sleep for a bit. If you're still cold, I'll get you some clothes from my bag to cover up so you don't catch a chill."
When Wang Xu suddenly mentioned this, I immediately thought of the antidepressants in my bag and quickly refused. "No need; it's warm on the bus. I don't want to sleep; I'll just rest a bit. Can you pass me the tablet? I want to watch some TV."
"Alright then." Wang Xu handed me the tablet along with some headphones. I had downloaded several dramas on it earlier and was about to start watching when he said, "Go ahead and watch; I'll take a nap. Just call me if you need anything."
I ignored him and continued scrolling through the tablet, but soon felt something was off. Just as I was about to nudge Wang Xu with my elbow, I turned to see him peacefully with his eyes closed.
If I did that now, it would probably lead to another argument. He looked so calm while I was seething inside.
The tablet no longer had any of the dramas I had previously downloaded. I usually only watched Hong Kong TVB dramas, and now they were all gone. If it were Wang Xu's doing, it might be plausible, but there were one or two Korean dramas left on there that I simply couldn't convince myself he would ever watch.
Wang Xu and I had been married for three years and dated for three years before that; he had never shown any interest in Korean dramas. One of the episodes even had a playback record—don't tell me Wang Xu suddenly changed his personality? Is that even possible?
My mother-in-law struggled with using her phone; it couldn't possibly be her either. So who else could it be?
Wang Xu next to me seemed completely at ease while I felt a tightness in my chest from anger. The reality of what had happened was something I already knew deep down, yet seeing these small details made me furious.
I gritted my teeth and endured it, but still felt heartbroken and wronged. Turning my head toward the window, I pretended that Wang Xu wasn't sitting next to me—a person who always appeared perfect on the surface—perhaps he overlooked these small details because he rarely used the tablet.
I can think of it from a different perspective; doesn't this just show that there are still loopholes in Wang Xu for me to exploit? Although what I have in hand might only end up being a joke if shown to the judge, if I can find stronger evidence, wouldn't that give me hope for proof?
I remember Attorney Jin sighing and telling me that cases settled on the grounds of infidelity during divorce are few and far between, suggesting that I should compromise at the right time. Yet, I always manage to find some intricate details to comfort myself and give myself a glimmer of hope.
I wonder if this counts as one of the most pathetic actions.
I closed my tablet again, intending to avoid trouble by not seeing it, but the darkness after closing my eyes only made me more anxious. So, I opened the tablet once more to see what Deng Xiaomei was looking at.
With my existing biases, I had seen various mixed reviews online about the Korean dramas downloaded on my tablet. They were evidently popular when released, but I just couldn't bring myself to watch them; my impatience grew with each passing moment.
In less than an hour, I had transferred my anger towards Deng Xiaomei onto the Korean dramas. I couldn't help but curse out loud, yet I consciously tried to restrain myself.
The closer it got to the critical moment, the more nervous I became. I thought this feeling was worse than the day before an important exam. Fortunately, Wang Xu was asleep and didn't notice my every move; otherwise, everything would be discovered.
Fear and retreat slowly bubbled up from deep within me, and my hands unconsciously clenched into fists. I gritted my teeth, but what terrified me was how negative emotions began to surge within me like a spring that I couldn't stop.
This fear almost made me break into a sweat. I struggled to keep myself from trembling and to prevent Wang Xu from becoming suspicious. My efforts resulted in waves of confusion.
Suddenly, it felt as if I didn’t know why I was doing this; I wanted to let go of everything and not strive for anything—just let things be. But another voice inside me warned that giving up now would be foolish; if I persevered through gritted teeth, there was still hope for it to become real. Why should I give up?
The two voices overlapped in my mind as I endured through the torment.
Until Wang Xu's faint snoring started and stopped again. He groggily opened his eyes and hoarsely called out to me, "Wife, wife?"
I tried to calm my emotions and replied coolly, "What’s wrong?"
"Nothing much; I just thought you seemed a bit off earlier." Wang Xu rubbed his eyes and continued, "How long have I been asleep? Why aren't we there yet?"
I picked up my phone to check the time: "Just over an hour."
"Oh, it's only been a little while, and I've already had several dreams. You should get some sleep too; it's quite warm in the car. I'll find you a jacket to put on."
I glanced at him and said, "No need, you go ahead and sleep."
Wang Xu nodded and turned back to check on his grandmother's position. Following his gaze, I noticed that she was also resting with her eyes closed. I couldn't tell if she was asleep or not, but Wang Xu seemed to have finally relaxed and continued to sleep.
While he was sleeping soundly, I felt uneasy and took a deep breath. The pressure in my heart was overwhelming, so I sent a text message to Gu Xiang. It wasn't long before Gu Xiang replied, asking about my situation today.
I was relieved that he didn't call; he might have been considering my circumstances. If it were convenient for him to take a call, he wouldn't have opted for texting. Throughout the journey, I chatted with him via text, although I sensed a change in his tone at certain times.
However, I trusted his professionalism and was willing to share with him at this moment. At least my mood gradually calmed down, which was a positive outcome.
"Thank you, Dr. Gu. Let's talk next time. Happy New Year."
"Okay, take care."
Gu Xiang didn't return my greeting, and I didn't reply either. This little episode during the trip made me realize that I might really need Gu Xiang at times. Even though I was reluctant to admit that I might have issues, weighing the pros and cons made me consider reaching out to Gu Xiang again for a conversation.
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