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墨書 Inktalez
If you ask me why, I can only say I don't know. Emotions are the most irrational thing. My heart feels heavy again, like swallowing a stone. I really want to steal all the beauty away. "Because being stripped of unhappiness is still unhappiness."
These words keep floating in my mind,
Am I really unfortunate?
Will my misfortune really be taken away?
Lying on the bed like a pile of mud, letting all kinds of perceptions disturb me, I always tell myself "it would be better to die" or "I can just die if things get tough," and so on. I keep finding as many perfect excuses as possible to escape. I still hate this world, feeling drained just by looking at others a few more times. What's going on? She said I'm a god, she said mockingly. I also hope so, when tears fill my face. I never feel powerless, just feel my heart can't keep up. Turning thoughts into reality, one in a thousand. I still want to have a $21 roast chicken and then buy a $9 roast meat rice. Before dying, before dying, there should still be a possibility. I'm not going to die today, but I don't know if I will. I still have desires, but they come and go. They accompany me like simple little animals, disturbing me from time to time.
Rabbits, so cute. Little dogs, always sleeping. Cats, wanting to eat a lot. Crows, chattering incessantly.
"Aren't you human yourself, why are you saying such things."
It is precisely because I am human that I find humans detestable. Don't ask strange questions like "Do you hate me?" It is my emotions that make me have to love you, my friend, I have no choice. I don't care if you are sad or happy. I don't care about your inner feelings at all. It's just that when I see you sad, I also feel sad, and in order to make myself happy, I have to erase your sadness. Your sadness is also my sadness, and when I see you happy, I am also happy. Always feeling like things should be a certain way is just too foolish.
We should be with our families. Don't you want to be with your family? It's so nice for a family to be together.
Not everyone is mostly similar. People who say such things are poor souls bound by rules. However, there were no rules in the world originally, and standards are just set by people, but the world existed before people did. So many rules are abandoned, let alone the ones that are truly useful. Society needs rules, but people don't. They always say that people cannot survive without society, but that depends on whose society it is. Ironman, shepherds, and the dying pharmacist, they are all on the edge or even outside of society. What a big world, everything in this small town may not be enough but it is all satisfying. Remembering the prosperity I once saw, the splendor, the bright lights, and then looking at where I am now, it feels like I'm in a different world. The crystal chandelier is blinding my eyes, unlike the touch of a campfire in the mountains.
Someone once drowned in that stream, a three-year-old girl. I don't know if it's because of this, but I always feel very sad in this place. I caught a glimpse of the body, a little white dress, lying there quietly like a gardenia flower, forever at peace. Later, the people here still make a living by the stream. When I see them working by the stream, I always feel like crying. Perhaps there is a small ghost lingering around everyone In the midst of fate, just as cheerful as when she was alive.
Ah...
I understand now. Is it because her death was an accident that I feel so sad?
If it's man-made...
No, all deaths are accidents. She wasn't supposed to die today, she wasn't supposed to.
"That afternoon, let's go to the pond to catch fish, and in the evening, let Mom grill the fish for us to eat!"
In the restaurant, I heard it like this.
I also wondered how the shallow stream could drown someone, but she did die after all. After all, it was an accident, which seemed unexpected but also reasonable.
The town's management sent another sum of consolation money, and I didn't want to think too much about it, just considered it a pure visit. The family used that money to renovate the whole house, and everyone went to see it during the renovation. The carpentry work was beautifully done. It's just that the small courtyard had to be forcibly turned into a garden lawn, which was puzzling. Later, I found out that it was to bury the girl there and plant some flowers. Everyone felt a bit eerie, but the homeowners didn't say anything, and no one wanted to spoil the mood.
Later, the flowers did indeed bloom luxuriantly, unlike the usual erosive bone flowers that are so enchanting and extraordinary, they always bloomed in light colors, just like she did when she was alive. Everyone who saw her couldn't help but feel sad, even I, an outsider, felt the same. The eternal and brilliant summer, the dense flower vines stretched out to shade people, and finally wrapped around the ancient tree opposite. Every time I passed by, its branches reached out to touch me, reminding me of the only interaction we had when she was alive - reaching out to catch a drifting balloon and tying it to her hand, suddenly tying a bow.
I didn't know how to do it at first. She nodded at me, then skipped away with the lollipop. When I came to my senses, there was one lying in my hand too. It was a sour plum-filled one.
That day, I was originally going to have lunch, but my stomach already felt full when I had that candy. On the way back, I kept daydreaming, and if the car from the opposite side hadn't honked, I might have crashed.
"Be careful on the road!"
Uncle Shan waved and drove off. He is the only woodcutter in town, transporting materials from here to there, always busy. He is straightforward, generous, and bold.
Keep walking, close your eyes, and you can see the flashes of lightning and hear the thunder. The air is filled with the scent of Grilled Steak with Milk, and after a while, it shifts to Garlic Roasted Meat.
I suddenly realize that my life is about to end, and I feel an inexplicable excitement. But when did all this happen?
Ah... it's been a while,
It's all in the past, it's been a while.
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