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墨書 Inktalez
The funeral was over. Those relatives and friends who had looked at me with sympathy or regret had all left, and the house suddenly felt empty, making my heart race. I wandered around the living room like a lost soul, unsure of what to do, until my feet uncontrollably stopped in front of Lin Wan's door.
I realized that I had rarely entered this room on my own before. She always complained that I interfered with her, and I couldn’t be bothered to understand her childish thoughts. But now, the person behind that door was gone.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open.
The room was small but very tidy, almost excessively so, lacking any warmth. On the desk lay a few books, and the bed was made meticulously, as if the owner had just stepped out for a moment and would return soon. Yet the faint smell of disinfectant in the air and an indescribable silence reminded me of the harsh reality.
My gaze fell on the bedside table. It was here that the police found those medical reports. At that time, I was so distraught that I hadn’t bothered to look closely. Now, as if compelled by some unseen force, I walked over and opened the drawer.
Inside were a few remaining test results and a notebook. It had a light blue cover with a small lock. I remembered that the police had mentioned a diary. I rummaged through the drawer and found a tiny key. After two attempts, the lock clicked open.
Holding the diary, my fingers felt stiff. The first page revealed Lin Wan's handwriting—delicate yet showing signs of effort.
I sat on the edge of the bed and began to read. At first, it contained some college-related matters: complaints about coursework, records of amusing incidents with classmates, and occasional reflections on her uncertainty about the future. It seemed like the musings of an ordinary girl.
"I sent out the gift. He didn’t react much; just left it on the coffee table. As expected. Maybe he just doesn’t like it. Why am I still hoping?"
My hands began to tremble. I remembered this incident; she had brought back a box that day as a birthday gift for me. I had been watching television at that moment and casually told her to leave it there. Later… later I found it bothersome and tossed it aside while cleaning…
I couldn’t bear to think further and stiffly turned to the next entry related to this memory.
"I saw that box and cup in the trash can. They were intact. So my heartfelt gesture was only worthy of being in the garbage. Heh. Lin Wan, you really are a fool."
With a loud thud, the diary slipped from my trembling hands and fell to the floor. My head felt as if it had been struck by a heavy hammer, darkness swirling before my eyes. The gift I had thrown away without even opening—she had worked hard to buy it! How much thought did she put into it? And I… treated it like garbage!
I bent down to pick up the diary, forcing myself to continue reading.
"The doctor said it's terminal now. I don’t want treatment anymore; it’s meaningless and costs too much money. I don’t want him to know either. If he finds out, he’ll be more troubled by me, thinking I'm a burden? Maybe it’s better for him if I quietly leave."
No! It’s not like that! How could I ever think of you as a burden? Why didn’t you tell me?!
"Today I tried asking him if he would miss me if I'm gone. He told me not to say such things... As expected. In his heart, I'm always just that troublesome child who doesn’t understand anything. My last bit of hope is gone."
That question! When she asked me that question… So this is what it meant! And I—what kind of jerk was I to scold her like that!
"It hurts so much... The medicine doesn’t seem to work anymore. It's okay; it will be over soon..."
The diary ended there, its last line seemingly trembling with emotion.
I could no longer hold myself together; I slumped down against the bed's edge and slid onto the cold floor. Clutching that thin diary tightly in my hand felt as heavy as a thousand pounds.
The truth cut like the sharpest knife, slicing away at my self-righteousness as a father until there was nothing left intact. All those silences, distances, and so-called "childishness" that I never took seriously were born from her desperation and self-protection!
She suffered so deeply and endured so much pain alone without ever letting me know until the end—not because she didn’t want to but because she didn’t dare! In her heart, I was someone she couldn’t even ask for help from!
“Ah—!” A scream of unimaginable pain erupted from the depths of my throat, tearing at my heart. I clutched my hair with both hands, like a desperate beast trapped in a corner, and violently slammed my forehead against the floor.
“Wan Wan… My Wan Wan… Dad was wrong… Dad was really wrong…” Tears surged forth, scalding my cheeks. I collapsed on the floor, crying out loud, like a fool, my heart breaking into pieces.
Regret. Boundless regret engulfed me. What have I done to her in this lifetime?!
But what good is crying? What good is apologizing? She can no longer hear me. She will never hear me again.
I pushed my only daughter step by step into the abyss with my own hands.
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