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Better to Have Loved
墨書 Inktalez
Five years of marriage, and I have loved him for ten years.
Cancer, my time is running out.
I hope he can walk the remaining path with me, just as I love him.
However, his first love has returned to his side.
I didn't tell him.
I continue to love him in my own way.
Until he sees my diary...
1
Looking at that familiar number on my phone.
Turn it off, open it, then turn it off again.
Repeating this over and over, yet I lack the courage to dial.
At this moment, I hold the diagnosis report, feeling lost.
But he called first.
“Duo'er, I'm a bit busy. You don't have to wait for me.”
A low voice came through.
I clearly said nothing, yet he seemed to sense my emotions through the phone, his tone gentle: "Why aren't you speaking? Do you miss me?"
Every time he called my name, his tone was always particularly tender and affectionate.
My nose felt sour, and I replied hoarsely, "Can you come back earlier?"
"What's wrong? Is something the matter?"
"...No, it's nothing."
"Then go to bed early," he said lightly.
"I have something to do tonight; I probably won't be back until late."
Staring blankly at the sky, I managed to utter a "Okay."
---
Our marriage began with the pressure from Xiao Cheng's family and my timely appearance.
There were no passionate vows exchanged.
There were no romantic moments under the flowers or the moon.
He needs a wife, and I happen to be the right fit, that's all.
However, after five years of marriage, I have loved him for ten years.
Deeply in love.
Even though he is cold and rarely speaks, I still feel lucky.
From a formal marriage to gradually becoming like a normal couple.
I began to savor the little things in life.
Three meals a day, the changing seasons, the warmth of human connection, and someone waiting for me.
When I fell ill, someone brought me water and medicine; during holidays, someone celebrated with joy.
Occasionally, I would even forget that this marriage was merely a formality.
But today, everything has changed.
I received the diagnosis of stomach cancer.
It is also the day his beloved returns.
He hung up my call to meet the one he loves.
The night deepens.
I was waiting for Xiao Cheng and unknowingly fell asleep on the sofa.
Suddenly, the living room lights turned on.
I opened my eyes and met the gaze of Xiao Cheng, who had just entered.
He frowned slightly and asked, "Why haven't you rested yet?"
I smiled and replied, "I was waiting for you and accidentally fell asleep."
He simply responded with an "mm," showing no extra expression.
I stepped forward to take his coat.
A faint scent of Jasmine wafted towards me.
This smell made me feel a wave of nausea.
It was Yong Nan's favorite fragrance.
The next day, I still woke up early to make breakfast for Xiao Cheng.
He had a weak stomach, and I always paid close attention to it.
I remembered the doctor saying that if I could continue to care for him like this, his severe stomach condition, which might require surgery, could possibly improve.
Xiao Cheng, however, did not think much of it: "You could just hire a caregiver; why do you have to work so hard yourself?"
I looked at him and said word by word, "It's not the same. A caregiver is a job; I am a wife."
For me, I want to do my best in everything, whether it's work or life.
Especially for the ones I love, I always pay extra attention.
But Xiao Cheng's reaction was rather indifferent, even a bit cold.
He wasn't moved, but I didn't give up.
Day after day, I insisted on cooking for him every day.
Even if I sometimes worked late, I would still send him messages at mealtime to remind him to eat on time.
And so, day after day, I gradually developed the habit.
Every morning, I would naturally wake up to make him breakfast.
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