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墨書 Inktalez
"Hey, Mom, is dinner ready? When can we eat? Don't let Zhuang Jun go hungry."
Only then did my mother-in-law snap out of her daze and slowly nod, "Yes, yes, I’ll check the pot to make sure it doesn't burn."
She hurried into the kitchen, and Wang Xu awkwardly cleared his throat twice, handing me the remaining half of an apple. "Here, Zhuang Jun, have some more. Dinner will be ready soon; don’t let yourself go hungry."
Wang Xu showed no intention of bringing up what had just happened, quickly changing the subject and pretending nothing was wrong. I lowered my eyes and noticed the exposed apple flesh had developed orange streaks from being cut for too long. I said lightly, "It's gone bad."
"What?" Wang Xu asked, slightly tense, his expression tightening.
"It’s been out for too long; it’s changed," I replied calmly.
Following my gaze, Wang Xu realized, "Oh right, it has been sitting out too long. I didn’t notice. Let me cut you a fresh one."
"No need," I declined his offer. Since it was already spoiled, getting a new one would still be a waste.
During dinner, Wang Xu tried hard to lighten the mood, but neither my mother-in-law nor I were in high spirits. Occasionally, she would glance at me and make small talk that felt insincere. I responded with a couple of noncommittal sounds to acknowledge her.
In the end, the three of us finished the meal with our own hidden thoughts. Afterward, I enjoyed being waited on like never before, sitting back on the sofa watching the antics on TV while my mother-in-law busied herself in the kitchen. Wang Xu sat for a while before joining her to help out, completely different from when I was busy earlier when he had been lounging with his legs crossed playing on his computer.
This one-eighty-degree change didn’t allow me to adapt quickly, but this idle demeanor made it easy to let one's guard down. To shake off the post-meal drowsiness, Wang Xu suggested taking a walk downstairs. I suddenly asked, "The garden downstairs?"
"Yes, just a stroll. If you want to go somewhere else, that's fine too; you can choose wherever you like."
"No thanks, let’s just go downstairs." Wang Xu was so open about it because Deng Xiaomei wasn’t in the neighborhood right now; otherwise, there would be at least a one-in-a-thousand chance of running into her. Given my current "pregnant" state, he wouldn’t have suggested taking me downstairs for a walk.
As we left, my mother-in-law was still busy in the kitchen. Wang Xu called out to her before leading me out. It felt like when we first got married; he was still infatuated with every little thing I did. He held my hand and kept talking about funny stories from the past, saying that when he first met me, he thought I was particularly aloof and unapproachable. It was only after we started dating that he realized I had been foolishly fond of him back then too.
"I never expected that we would get married so smoothly. At that time, I thought, if you can really be my wife, it would be the blessing I earned in this lifetime. How wonderful, truly wonderful."
Wang Xu seemed to be immersed in infinite happiness, his lips curved into a smile as he kept sighing with contentment. I didn’t interrupt him, pretending to share in his emotions. Even when I slightly loosened my grip during our handshake, I noticed a flicker of surprise in Wang Xu's eyes.
Compared to his joy, I felt unnaturally calm. Looking at his delighted profile, I couldn't help but reflect on how, when Wang Xu first cheated on me, he might have looked at me with the same calmness I now had while observing him, believing I was still embracing love. Such foolishness is an unmaskable depth of feeling.
The most terrifying part is that the person you deeply love once used your affection to mock your sincerity. It was only after I did the same thing that I could truly understand how I had been hurt before and how I was now hurting Wang Xu.
In a way, betrayal and hurt become reciprocal. I wonder if all broken families are like this—attacking each other with ruthless words until they become reflections of one another.
"Zhuang Jun? Zhuang Jun?" Wang Xu called out suspiciously near my ear.
"Huh? What’s wrong?" I snapped back to reality and continued listening to Wang Xu.
"I was just saying that Mom is preparing to turn the guest room into a nursery. She said she would go buy some baby supplies when we come back for the New Year. It’s not a bad idea to prepare early, don’t you think?"
"We still don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl; it’s too early to rush," I disagreed.
"My mom said she consulted someone about the timing and that the chances of having a boy are high. So we should buy things for a son first; if it turns out otherwise, we can adjust later." Wang Xu's confidence made me feel annoyed.
I replied coldly, "You believe it’s going to be a boy just like that? If it’s a girl, wouldn’t you be less happy?"
"Of course not," Wang Xu quickly defended himself. "I’d be happy either way and would prepare well for both. But since my mom says the likelihood of having a boy is greater, doesn’t it make more sense to buy things for a son first? That’s how I see it."
Wang Xu always found excuses for his words, which only made me suspect his true intentions maliciously. Yet he should clearly know his real thoughts; if he can say them but cannot bear the consequences, what kind of reasoning is that?
If it were before, I would definitely argue with him, trying hard to correct this bad habit of his, fearing that he would bring a negative influence to society. But now I have let go; Wang Xu can do whatever he wants, and it’s none of my business.
After the walk, I refused to sleep in the same bed as Wang Xu, insisting that he sleep in the guest room. If he didn’t want to, I would just go home. Wang Xu had no choice but to accept this and went to the guest room, reminding me to call him if I needed anything at night.
After sending him away, I locked the room door and, after washing up, sent a WeChat message to Miao Miao, telling her about today’s events. Miao Miao praised me for being quite bold now, saying that it felt like walking on a knife's edge. I didn’t argue because it was indeed true.
As we talked, Miao Miao suddenly brought up the issue of depression medication. She asked if I had it with me, and when I said no, she hurriedly sent a voice message.
“You need to take this medication on time. I don’t mean anything by it, Zhuang Jun, but you’re currently in a control phase. You already have a lot going on; if you stop taking it, there will be consequences. Even when you go back, you need to have it with you, okay? Don’t forget!”
I understood that Miao Miao was concerned about me. Since she said so, I promised to pay attention to it, which made her feel relieved.
Thinking about Miao Miao having some issues of her own, I turned my concern towards her current situation. I could hear her voice was tense and somewhat helpless.
“I’m going to Wang Nan’s place in a couple of days. I don’t even know what to prepare. I asked Wang Nan, and he said there’s nothing to bring. How can that be? If I go empty-handed, his parents will surely say something.”
“Then just bring some standard New Year goods or something?”
“That won’t work either; they might use that as an excuse to criticize me. In short, not bringing anything is bad, and bringing the wrong thing is also bad. I'm so worried! Luckily, I went to find Lu Ming. He knows more than I do and gave me some advice. I plan to buy some things according to his suggestions tomorrow; anyway, it doesn’t matter much anymore; whatever I do is the same.”
I could imagine how nervous Miao Miao was at that moment. She always presented herself openly, but behind that facade lay worries over small details.
I comforted her a bit and told her not to worry; she was already doing great. Perhaps Wang Nan’s parents would gradually try to accept her. However, not as optimistic as me, Miao Miao disagreed: “To be honest with you, I wish that were true, but I know it’s not. His parents were so angry before that they almost sent Wang Nan abroad. If I hadn’t taken the initiative to go out, they would have caused a scene again. Bringing me back this time is hardly their idea.”
Sometimes we all understand that verbal comfort is just that—like hanging a sign in front of a dream telling everyone it’s possible—but in reality, the distance between dreams and reality is too far for the sign to hold any real meaning.
Miao Miao's "reality" pains me. She is clearly aware of her current situation; if I hadn't asked her this way, she would have likely responded with the official line: "Maybe so."
But it can't be that way. I feel for her, and I also feel for the fact that she is still considering me at this moment. I suggested that she focus on her own matters first and not worry about mine, but Miao Miao refused.
"We're not the same now. You have something crucial at stake, a decision that could mean life or death. How can you be careless? I'm different, Zhuang Jun. From the very beginning, I was already dead. What I'm doing now is like trying to come back to life, trying to be a living person. Do you think there's a big chance? How much can struggling in despair really accomplish?"
Miao Miao does not hide her difficult situation. I think she must have sensed from the start that it would be like this. Even when standing next to Wang Nan with a smile, even during my cold war with Wang Nan, she probably didn't reveal her vulnerable side to him. That's why optimistic Wang Nan insisted on taking her home.
I suggested that she share her current worries with Wang Nan, but Miao Miao said, "It wouldn't help if I told Wang Nan. On one side is me, and on the other are his parents. I don't want him to worry about such meaningless choices; besides, I don't want him to know. If he finds out, it will affect our relationship, and what's the point of that?"
Thinking about it, she considers things far more long-term than I do. Even though some hardships must be borne by her alone right now, with Wang Nan completely unaware by her side, she wouldn't project her grievances onto him. That's why Wang Nan treats Miao Miao like a treasure even now; it makes sense.
"Alright, alright. Anyway, this year has been tough for both of us. It's like we're at war; whether we win or lose depends on our efforts. You keep going strong, and I'll do the same, right, Zhuang Jun?"
She regained her usual spirit and cheered both of us on. Following her mood, I felt a bit more motivated as well, hoping that we could indeed get through this year smoothly.
I had prepared myself to face the turmoil cautiously, planning to deal with whatever came my way. The temptation was too great; I couldn't let go now and could only grit my teeth and keep moving forward. What lay ahead was uncertain—life or death remained unknown.
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