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"Mm." Xu Man nodded seriously.
"What happened next?" I continued to ask.
Xu Man glanced at the people standing nearby, seemingly reluctant to share her story in front of them. Brother Feng, though he loved to show off, was still quite clever. He understood that Xu Man wouldn't be able to share her story here. He clasped his hands together and said to me, "Brother, you two can talk in detail. I and the others won't disturb you. You're always welcome to come and hang out."
With that, Brother Feng led the group away.
I nodded and looked at Xu Man, signaling her to continue.
That night, Xu Man did not find Hu Pei or Lu Zhiqiu. At that moment, she felt utterly defeated and turned to head back. However, the area around the construction site was not bustling; there was not a single person on the road, nor a single car. The dim streetlights cast a long shadow of Xu Man as she walked aimlessly toward her rented room.
All along the way, Xu Man felt dazed. As her pregnancy progressed, her belly grew large, and she could hardly walk far without becoming breathless. She walked a few steps, then stopped to rest by the roadside, waiting until she felt she could continue before moving on again. Tears streamed down her face as she walked; memories of happy times with Hu Pei made her laugh out loud.
Thus, she walked forward while crying and laughing at the same time. Along the way, Xu Man thought about suicide three times.
The first time was after walking too far when the pain in her belly became unbearable; she wished she could jump off a bridge and let the dark currents of the river below carry her away. The second time was during daylight when she saw many cars on the road; she didn't want to take a taxi but thought about simply running into traffic to end it all. The last time was when she opened the door to her rented room and inserted the key incorrectly; she considered just rolling down from upstairs.
Yet every time she resolved to seek death, she would think: what if Hu Pei called at that moment? What if her parents forgave her? Each time this thought crossed her mind, she silently suppressed her suicidal urges and continued with whatever needed to be done.
Seven years ago, Xu Man believed that her survival was for the sake of the child in her womb. But now she realized that her fear of death back then stemmed from simply being afraid of dying. Death requires courage that not everyone possesses. For Xu Man, the child inside her provided a more glamorous excuse for living.
After a good night's sleep, Xu Man no longer wished for death.
In the following days, Xu Man had nothing; no one came to care for her, nor did she have money to hire someone for help. When Xu Man found herself at a dead end, a "kind-hearted" older sister appeared just when she needed someone to take care of her.
After experiencing the ups and downs of life, Xu Man felt that the older sister who came to care for her was the best person in the world. A little over a month later, Xu Man gave birth to a child. Taking care of a baby requires money, but Xu Man had none, and due to her long absence from school, she had already been expelled.
In her twenties, Xu Man needed a job to support her child.
The caring older sister introduced Xu Man to a good job where she could earn several hundred or even a thousand yuan in one night. Xu Man was tempted and agreed to go with her to check it out. That night, under the influence of the older sister's persuasive words and alcohol, Xu Man stumbled onto an irreversible path.
The beginning of this line of work was just as difficult as any other. Xu Man regretted it deeply and finally understood why that older sister had come to care for her at such a crucial moment. She realized that there is no such thing as a free lunch in this world; those who treat you well often do so because they see potential for exploitation.
The older sister earnestly advised Xu Man that being a single mother with a child was exhausting, and since she couldn't find a formal job, why not just lie down on a bed and spread her legs? In just a few hours, she could earn what others made in half a month or even a month's salary. Plus, the hours were flexible—what a great job!
The older sister also "threatened" Xu Man, saying that this industry relied on youth. If she took another month to think about it, she would lose out on earning opportunities. Just think about it: what else could she do now? Her child would need money for various things in the future, and with only a high school diploma, how could she provide a better environment for her child?
Using reason and emotion, the older sister convinced Xu Man, and under the pressure from someone who had been through it all, she finally entered this line of work. The older sister would introduce clients to Xu Man and take a thirty percent cut. Xu Man now had a job—a job without dignity. She later realized that when someone no longer values their dignity, it is actually when they start making money; even fake beggars on the street could earn over ten thousand yuan in a month.
When Hu Pei thought about contacting Xu Man again, their child was already three months old.
At this point, Xu Man felt no emotional connection to Hu Pei; she felt like a living corpse. The child gradually became her only link to moments of clarity.
Hu Pei did not expect that Xu Man had given birth to his child, nor did he anticipate that she had become involved in such work out of desperation. He proposed taking their child away to raise on his own. Naturally, Xu Man refused; the child was her only support and hope.
Hu Pei used two points to persuade Xu Man. He reminded her that she had at least been accepted into Dongxing University and knew that if this matter went to court, the judge would likely grant custody to a father with a formal job rather than a mother working as an escort.
Xu Man had no way to refute this point.
Then Hu Pei said something that made Xu Man completely give up her rights to raise the child: "You wouldn't want your child asking what you do for a living and having to answer that you're an escort, would you?"
It was precisely because of this statement that Xu Man's heart had died. She couldn't do it; her parents were guilty, but the child was innocent. Xu Man actually thought of the most reasonable solution: the two of them should get married. Given her current situation, how could Hu Pei possibly marry her?
In that moment, Xu Man felt a strange confusion. She was bewildered; Hu Pei had stormed in with great intensity, yet she found herself speechless, as if she were the one who had done something wrong. It felt as though, in her time of greatest need for companionship, it was not Hu Pei who had avoided her, just as it was not Hu Pei who had hidden away when the child needed care the most.
Now, it seemed that everything was her fault; she felt tainted.
But what would happen when her daughter grew up? Would she listen to Xu Man's explanation? Or would she be more inclined to believe a hypocritical father?
Xu Man's heart had died.
Hu Pei got their daughter, and later on, Xu Man heard that Hu Pei had married Jiang Xiaochun. Xu Man felt a sense of relief; if it were Jiang Xiaochun, she could accept that. Afterward, she never saw her daughter again. In her words, her daughter was living happily—why should she disturb that?
I shook my head and said, "Since you fear your daughter might have opinions about you, why not leave this industry?"
Xu Man lit a cigarette, the smoke curling hazily in the dim light of the bar.
After a long pause, Xu Man spoke up. "I've been in this industry for seven years now. At first, it was quite lucrative; I was young and had good skin, and even after having a child, my figure remained intact. But as time went on, it became increasingly difficult to find work. Why would anyone choose me over a younger girl?"
She flicked off some ash and continued, "When I was younger, I always told myself that once I made enough money, I'd leave this industry—just enough to support myself would suffice. Now I often hear newcomers say the same thing. But in reality, once you're in this line of work, you're trapped; it's not easy to get out."
She wiped away her tears with her hand. "Think about it: what can we do if we leave here? After so long, I've grown accustomed to this life of lights and liquor—getting drunk and collapsing into bed only to get paid for it. If you ask me to work elsewhere, I wouldn't know how; physical labor is too exhausting for me, and I have no business acumen. What else can we do?"
"People are driven to desperation," she said with a somber tone. "When you have ten thousand, you want a hundred thousand; when you have a hundred thousand, you want a million. Money is never enough for us; we can never truly escape this life. We're already in our forties—why are we still in this industry? You can imagine why. Some people wonder why we don't find someone else to support us or seek out a rich second-generation heir; I just laugh because those wealthy individuals are sharper than anyone else."
She looked at me and added, "What they value more is the richness of the spirit."
"Life."
Xu Man sighed heavily, as if trying to expel the frustrations in her heart through her cigarette.
I shook my head slightly.
Since this matter had come up, Xu Man seemed unable to hold back: "Habits are terrifying; once formed, they are hard to change. We have a sister here, orphaned, who now has a car and a house, and has saved up hundreds of thousands. Yet she still can't leave this industry; she's gotten used to it. Her greatest hobby is driving around the streets and tossing wads of cash out the window, watching the bills flutter and the crowd scramble to pick them up."
Xu Man burst into laughter. "Then you'll realize those people aren't really any more noble than her. That's how this world works; who can claim to be more noble than anyone else? Aren't people just selfish and hypocritical? Perhaps the money you count today is stained with our sweat?"
I waved my hand and asked, "Let's put that aside for now. Why do you think you could accept and let go if Hu Pei married Jiang Xiaochun? Did you know Jiang Xiaochun before?"
Xu Man nodded. "That's right. If it's Jiang Xiaochun, I have no objections. I'm just afraid that if Hu Pei and his wife have children, it would be bad for my child."
I frowned. "So you mean Jiang Xiaochun can't possibly have children with Hu Pei?"
Xu Man nodded firmly. "Jiang Xiaochun is from our school, in the same major as Hu Pei. We see each other often; there's no way Jiang Xiaochun could have children with Hu Pei. In fact, their union should be a marriage of convenience."
"Marriage of convenience?" I widened my eyes.
Xu Man replied, "Because Jiang Xiaochun is a lesbian; she likes women!"
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