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墨書 Inktalez
What does it matter if my eyes are filled with you? You still lost me, didn’t you? I have lived in darkness for so long, yearning for someone to lead me out and into the light. I thought that person was you, but in the end, you lost me just like everyone else. Is there really someone in this world who doesn’t deserve to be loved? I longed for the love of the older generation, but my grandmother favored boys over girls, only caring for my younger brother. There was an old lady who treated me well and fed me; when I grew up and encountered her again, I gave her everything I had that I cherished. I’m not ungrateful—why is there no one who loves me? People say that childhood wounds aren’t like a heavy rain but rather a constant dampness, and how true that is.
After finally escaping that so-called “home” in high school, I thought I could start anew, but then I encountered so-called “friends.” I laid my heart bare, only to be stabbed in the back and left utterly wounded. From then on, loneliness became my companion.
Yet later, I met him—the one who seemed capable of changing my life. I held onto him tightly because I believed he could help me escape this darkness, alleviate my loneliness, give me that special affection, and be my unwavering support. Like a fool, I once again abandoned everything to run to him. But what did I gain? I don’t even know what I gained; all I know is that my happiness vanished… What I thought was real turned out to be an illusion; once again, I lost everything! Is there truly someone who doesn’t deserve love? Everyone speaks of love, yet it eludes me.
Perhaps it’s because I am too greedy. One misstep leads to another; without repentance, even hitting a wall won’t deter me… Ha! (cold laugh) Life is nothing more than this!
What is it that I truly want? I often wonder who loves me most in this world. Four years ago, blinded by love, I would have said without hesitation that you loved me the most. But now, I hesitate. Because I don’t know—I don’t know if you love me. Sometimes, I think about what it all means. Do I regret giving up everything to choose you? There is regret, but if given another chance to choose again, perhaps I would still make the same decision.
Now all I want is to take care of myself. It seems like nothing interests me anymore; I don’t even know how to make myself happy. What is the cost of growing up? Some say one can grow up overnight, but my realization came too slowly. The price of growing up seems to be encountering love, crying over it, dreaming about it…
Why is the world always so unfair? It seems that effort and reward can never align. In a world of crows, being white is a sin; as the sun sets into the mountains and seas, they conceal their true meanings. Later on, as the evening breeze awakens us, everything remains hidden within our hearts. Now, I no longer wish to trust anyone; I'm terrified. Whenever someone wants to befriend me or understand me, memories of the past flood my mind and refuse to fade away. I know there’s no escaping it…
The world feels black—everyone wears a thousand masks; what they show on the surface is different from what lies beneath. You can never truly know what someone else is thinking—even those closest to you can hurt you deeply. I thought I was unique; I thought I was favored; I thought I had support; I thought happiness was within reach; and I thought you loved me deeply—yet in the end, all those thoughts crumbled into mere illusions…
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